Category Archives: TotalCrap

Pop’s birthday! HHOOVVAAHH!

Sept 25th is my dad’s birthday. Word cannot describe how i miss him…

Its been more than 3 years since he passed away and we still cant move on completely. He’s a great person and amazing father. His life weren’t always easy but he keep standing tall. He always said what he think, hate crap and never bow to anybody beside God. He’s funny, lovable and probably the kindest man ever!

I know my mum and sisters sometime still crying alone at night remembering him and honestly me too but I guess God have its own plan, i really do hope will see him again on the other side (thats prolly if i dont stuck at hell for he rest of my death cycle)….

I remember when i was kid i asked myself what would i do if he passed away… and the answer was.. i’ll die with him.

True, part of me died with him that day, twas probably the worst day in my life. that damn 3 o’clock phone conversation. I despite that day … 5th March 2007….

huaahhhh  enough for this whole sentimental crappppp…. OK dad where ever you are will see you soon, Rest In Peace and dont flirt to0 much with those angels kay..




HE’s a player!but

…………………………My brain has failed me once again! It wont stop thinking about him.. *sigh*
I’m in denial mode and somehow it making me upset.
Why my mind keep telling me bad things and creating stupid fantasies?
I cant work .. (well half part because i’m soo sleepy, and the other because of him, oh I STILL EAT by the way, sucks)

HE’s A PLAYER! this is mantra I made to secure and bring my mind back!

HE’s A PLAYER! and he’s not interested!

HE’s A PLAYER! and I’m not interested!


happy ending.. fiction!

Love choose it’s story but mine were badly written….

Lemme try to elaborate my theory

Not that I’m weak or something but in a relationship I tend to stay submissive. Call me old fashion –aye!– because for me guys should step up and lead. They are the writers of my stories –off course I’m the editor but hey… I can’t do anything if the writers suck–

In most novel I read, it usually consist of 3 parts; introduction,content and closure. I add one more factor which is the climax, because I think its one of the key factor that will determine how are we going to continue the story.

At the introduction part (which usually the most beautiful part) we get to know the characters, tons of new people added to support the leading role. The mum, the dad, the brother/sister,the gang, the best bud, the exes, etc etc…some of them came as cameos and the others as supporting role. Some might say cruel judging the book by its introduction part but seriously sometimes this part can be sucks specially when it come to EX-es (messy!) …. famous poet wrote “LOVE IS BLIND” I think introduction part IS THE BLIND SPOT.

As the story goes.. ladies and gentlemen entering content! Content is when reality struck. Here are some random words usually use inside a content; happy sad, anger, LOVE, SEX, choice, decision, rejection, cuddling, 3rd party, long distance, other woman, other man, affair, unfaithful, temptation, passion, patient, courage, fight, ego, selfish, ME time, time, lack of time, touch, lack of touch, parent (in a more vivid appearance) ex girlfriend/boyfriend, quarrel, fight, jealousy, ignorance, depend, compassion, empathy, faith, honesty etc etc it’ll take me centuries to finish it, at that time you’ll probably find me dead (cause of death: chronic hemorrhoids) but I guess you get my point.

Good writer tell a story in an interesting way, by adding elements of suspense so that the reader would want to know how the story turn out. The writer may choose to make the story humorous by adding elements of comedy or jokes.while others (the kind of creature that walks into my life) write a totally unreadable plot and unfocused story line! Dull! Weird as ifs only meant for idiots!

part #3 is climax. This is when the “fed-up” meter goes to maximum! at this stage you have to choose…… some find marriage and other find separation as the answer. Actually there are some X factors that would help us creating an brilliant climax (remember this is only baits to sparks up the story) –note: shortcut, find a fucking awesome writer/lover, much more efficient and saving tons of energy and time–
1. find a writer/leading role/character that has personal principles (i fond everything related to principles, i think its sexy)
2. make the character choose between keep or break his principles. His decision can become the focal point of all the conflict in the story, triggering release of emotional tension. What he decides at this moment shows who he really, truly is. It is a test of character. The decisions and actions of the character at this moment of high stress shows what his true feelings are.
3. Giving some hardcore consequences of decision. Follow Cause and Effect principles —and if it fits with the story, make things as bad as possible for the character. (I know not all love story sucks but again sometime you need something HOT to boost things up)
4. Resolution. This is where the character/ writer decide what his going to do next. How he react and solves all. How he get what he deserve .. good ending or bad one.

Closure! this is my favorite part! This is when you take part to the story, at this point you decide the ending. honestly, i don’t believe in happy ending i mean seriously dude how can you’d be happy if its end? I think its overrated! end is end that’s it. Happy Ending is another fiction created by professional writer that were actually meant for children and not for grown up!

NOW let me explain why I said my story were written badly. Mostly in my story the writer don’t have vision on what kind of story he want to create. Boring and lame. Too many drama!! ok maybe initially, meant turning a girl to Cinderella, but in my case turn normal to utter moron!  not mention the deja vu!  read my lips…I had enough repetition! sometime I wonder why? are they that ignorance? These writer are just helpless… i give a hint, they ignore it, i give a warning the thought as a break up ultimatum … my goodness sometime its easier to communicate with dog (some) at least they pay attention.. 😦 don’t they know that small things count? but for these writers, those small things were meant to be small and forgotten…. *sigh*

I haven’t met my writer yet but I hope one day I meet him! when that time come we’ll make a story that would make Jane Austin proud!


“This is dedicate for my friend Q and atit!”

People say don’t play with fire if you don’t want to get burnt. The same with don’t fall in love if you are not ready to get hurt. But why it feels good? I think its because pain is addictive!Like a zit, we know if we crack it, it’ll leave mark and painful, but yet our hand are just can’t help touching it.
One of my friend said unless you’re a player don’t mess with love. Though we said were OK,we’re strong and WILL make it, think again! From my personal research its because women tend can’t control their emotion and everything that involve feelings will attached stronger thus if its not working it’ll hurt like hell and the marks will last forever. Stupid indeed for not using brain and always wasting so much emotion…but hey that’s women, IT DOESNT NEED A GENIUS TO FIGURE IT OUT.
Recently one of my friend come crying in the middle of the night, telling me that the guy she’s been dating for months are about to get married in a week! the others has doing an affair with a guy that has been in relationship plus engage for 8 eight years with other women, and recently my boss confessed that she has an affair with one of my colleague and it almost cost her,her 10 years marriage. But despite all the tears and all, they keep doing it.What makes me so angry because the reasons are just as stupid.

Reason # 1 is Challenge! What!!??!! Do bungee jumping or parasailing for crying out loud! I mean like seriously dude move on, get a decent guy and have a normal relationship!
I know that love struck in unexpected time and condition but YOU (woman) can control it! Who has the power to stop it and not letting those crap growing!

#2 “maybe we were meant to be together!” Well guess what princess, prince charming ain’t coming with other women as a package!

Reason #3 came from my own sister, she said she do it because she wants it, that’s all! Its quite disturb and pause me for few minutes, I mean what a selfish little shit!look at the other women, quote again from my gay friend harry “karma exist and it’ll hunt you down like a hawk” aren’t you afraid one day you, your daughter or your sister will suffer the karma? And aren’t you tired waiting in vain!?
Will he call?
Will he think about me?
Will he drop by?
Is he love me more?
Will he marry me?
Well guess what? You’re boyfriend are prolly fucking happily with the other girl by now.
So snap out of it!

I keep wondering what is so good about that? I mean you are always on guard, can’t go publicly cause somebody might see, suppress your emotion and jealousy, sharing bed with other women, and praying every night to God so that he will eventually realize that you’re the only person for him and no one else..
Here’s the truth, it will not happen because guys are just guys!

Well ok maybe there IS good guy out there –see how optimist I am?– but for these cheating bastards your prayers will only be answered if some life changing event occurs which involving death, amputation or serious accident and its only happen one over a million case or in cheap soap opera.

Believe me honey you don’t need a scar to remind you not to go to far! All you have to do is THINK! Use a little bit of your common sense…(Maybe to some of you its quite difficult cause love toxic has completely paralyzed your brain and thinking ability, but you can do it! Cause guess what?brain are actually created so that you can THINK! Tell your brain to start working or there will be no sex thoughts and masturbation for years,there’ll be no more naked jude law or hartnett –it’ll freak the devil out–)

Maybe at this point you think who the hell is this girl?trying to advise me while maybe she never felt anything deep before, in this case YOU RIGHT!
Why? Because I’m only a coward who knows my capability and I just can’t dealt with that crap so I avoid it. Well at least this guy-proof-vest is working well and I never been hurt badly (hopefully will never).

My suggest stay out of it! Just so that you know Over 75% of people who marry partners from an affair eventually divorce.(Hein, Holly. Sexual Detours: Infidelity and Intimacy at the Crossroads.)

Again…the choice is yours….

so tweet!

” Love is like a war:Easy to begin Hard to end!” some ancient proverb said…..true!

like today he was replying my tweet.. I was so happy as if its big deal..

sounds phatetic but actually i feel happy just to know that even if its just for a second, I’ve crossed his mind.

(….ok now you can vomit!…*sigh*)

See honestly, I wasnt even twitting before but now i just cant help twitting cause off course he’s there and i feel close to him just by seeing his nick!

I even open his websites just to know him .. googling him … add his BBM pin (though I WILL NEVER SEND HIM ANYTHING AND IT TOOK ME 3 DAYS TO HAVE COURAGE TO SEND THAT INVITATION!) ….read his blog (off course without leave comment) ……..wrote this love diary …and all the spooky 15th years old girl might do on their first love .. damn it!

(….ok now you can be scared cause i sound like a psycho)

aaarrggghhhh……..weird weird weiiirrrddd…I think my theraphist right..I have mental issue. I really hope this love sick stop!  so I can continue my life like a normal people…. 😦 😦 😦

Doctor’s Prescription

Went to see my therapist, again

Not much happen, He keep telling me that I have anxiety and temper problem (fucK)

The thing is, I think he’s right (double fuck) and I really need help, this anxiety/overworked/stress I had, driving me nuts and having to take pills is not so cute anymore (I look like a monstrous psychopath when i forgot to eat it) plus i usually become so wet, my sweat is unbelievably wet(obviously) its just not cute specially on the armpit area — i would kill myself if it smells too but its not really that bad(i can assure you)–

well anyway..
I dot really blame  my job (honestly)cause I really need it(sometime love it)but its just…… its consuming all my valuable time (come on I’m a business woman time IS VALUABLE)I don’t have “me” time and I get all wet and sweaty just to think of going to work on the next day plus the pile of tasks….is that healthy?

so here I am (again) trying to write day to day journal about my life and try to channel (rephrase!!!) all my emotion (mostly anger) to its right place. My therapist said writing a journal would be the best solution cause he can monitor me and i can monitor myself (as if eternal shame of telling how sucks I am to people and share my shameless moment to the entire world is not enough)

wish me luck and may the force be with me (even i dot think luke will ever read this)

what was you said?

A guy name charles(real name) call me “stupid” (In bahasa whis is really rude!) I mean seriously that would be OK if:
1. I’m stupid
2. I made a terrible mistake
3. He’s better than me

But that would be wrong if:
1. That person is a horny bastard with a brain as big as walnut.(Well actually IF he has any)
2. Public enemy with IQ below idiot rate
3. King Moron that almost lost his job cause he’s a complete useless individual that’s not achieving his target and like to blame other people for the sake of his fat stinky ass

I swear he should be jailed for being such a horrible person!

Watch your mouth you freak!


some girls are born so pretty they glow, some of them are plain boring and the rest are invisible!

and this is true! 


if you think i said it because i’m jealous… you right!

Birthday list!

Way past my birthday but I feel like I need to make a “not to do list” this year I promised nothing but goodness..I know mother theresa is smiling upon me from heaven at this moment!

One:I should not spend more than I actually earn and use up all my credit cards to the limit! Forget all the new shoes, bags, cloths and start living in a time where credit card is just a myth!

Two: stop being a weight conscious bitch who need to do diet all the time! Though I desperately need one..(Suck it up randu you have big bones,blame the dinosaurs for inherit you this!)

Three: writing this journal everyday as I feel like I’m getting more and more aggressive lately…I don’t know is it hormones?

Four: get a new job by actually send at least a resume!not just wish a new job will fall from the sky out of nowhere!

Five: stop cursing,be more patient and positive!(This should be very easy, I can feel the positive aura inside me needs to be freed, I just need to suppress my killing tendencies and all should be OK)

Six: look for a nice guy and have a sexy-full of comitment-more than 3 months relationship!you can do it!

Seven: pray more..(I need this!!!maybe it’ll calm me down a bit)

Eight: stop eating carbs, meats, sweets, gravies, basically stop eating anything and starve yourselves to thin!(if oprah can you can!)

Nine: buy one of self improvement book and read it!(Target: get my name on one forbes list!)

Ten: be more feminine(Guy dig this,remember they like gabrielle not xena)

Eleven; stop drinking! Start sit up!

Twelve: stop making excuses for anything! Especially on why I need to snack around midnight or skipping yoga classes for “mall” classes!

Thirteen: use more moisturizer!

Fourteen: saving money!! (This should be priority)

Fifteen: be a humanitarian, enroll on miss universe pageant and create a better world (target:world peace and touch trump’s wig)

To Kill a Sissy boy

Oh how I hate straight guy with such a mellow attitude..sooo sensitive! Come on man!you got balls show it! I mean seriously I have gay friend that 1 million times more manly than you (please,no offense)
Stop talking with such a sissy voice!WTF!gosh how I wish I can just pick a fight just to check the level of his “whimp-ness” blaaarrrgghhh
Fak!you know, it feels like you got some itchy feeling but you don’t know where the source of that evil!annoyiiinnnggg!!I wanna slap him!
Ohhhhmmmm I need to be patient!
Hand and feet be patient now..don’t kill him, not yet…ohhhhmmmm

Ps: don’t get me wrong I think its kinda tragic that the title of this post taken from my fave book…:(but its just I can’t think of anything else right now..the word kill are all over my head!

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